


Crushed

by hiccupfound



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: F/M, TW: Drug Abuse, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: talks of drugs, tw: talks of overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 05:49:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20652215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiccupfound/pseuds/hiccupfound
Summary: The first time Astrid handed Hiccup a pill, he thought he was the luckiest man alive. Years later, when he sees Astrid at an NA meeting, he attempts to run and hide. Addicts are good at that, after all.





	Crushed

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any history of drug or alcohol use, are early in your recovery or if you don’t like reading about these types of things, THIS IS NOT THE FIC FOR YOU. My fist job in the behavioral health field was working at a drug/alcohol rehab. I meant so many amazing woman and learned so much about addiction.  
I honestly think anyone can become an addict, including the characters I am writing about.  
There are mentions of overdoses, IV drugs, snorting pills, pipes and specific drug names.  
If you aren’t familiar with the recovery community, some of these terms might be unfamiliar to you. I don’t plan on posting a key at this moment, but if a lot of people need one then I absolutely will!  
Also this was supposed to be a one shot, but now it’s turned into a two shot.

Hiccup rolled the tiny pill between his fingers. 

“It’s small, but strong. You can swallow it if you want, but I recommend snorting it.” Astrid’s eyeliner was smudged, her braid slightly mussed. The way the strobe lights were shining in the background made her loose hair look like a halo. Hiccup had never seen a more beautiful sight. 

He eyed the pill, which was slightly blurry. It took him a moment to remember how drunk he was before he swallowed it dry. He wasn’t going to snort it; that’s what junkies did. 

“I don’t feel anything,” he slurred out. Even to his own ears he could tell he was way too drunk to be taking unnamed substances, but when Astrid Hofferson, dream girl back in high school saunters up to you and hands you a shot and pill, you don’t say no. 

He was a junior in college now, blowing off some steam after a grueling finals week. With winter break coming up and his boyfriend dumping him the day before, he really couldn’t think of a better excuse to get plastered. 

Astrid rolled her eyes. “It’s not going to work that fast, Hiccup. But don’t worry. You’ll be in a place of euphoria in just a little while.” She crushed up her pill on the table in front of her into two thin lines and inhaled the first before sitting back. “But not as fast as I will be.”

For some reason Astrid made it look delicate. She didn’t look like the homeless guy around the corner did when he snorted his drugs. When Astrid did it, the act was appealing. 

When it hit, it hit hard. The night was a blur of kaleidoscope memories that he knew he’d never be able to fully piece together. When he woke up the next morning he was in his apartment, asleep on the floor with a massive hangover. 

His first thought wasn’t “what happened last night” or “where are my clothes?” and that should have been the first hint for him to never repeat last night. No, his first thought was “let’s do that again.”

So he did. He went back to the same frat party, found the same already trashed Astrid and this time, when she offered to crush his pill he accepted. 

This time he remembered a little more. Like when Astrid pushed him against a tree and begged him to fuck her there. He couldn’t remember if he did, only knew that there were about 10 other people around at the time, watching carefully. 

Things changed after that. Moments like that happened every weekend, then once during the week too, until it turned into an every night thing, and before he knew it he was meeting his drug dealer in the hot sunlight, hoping his withdrawal symptoms would hold off until he made it to the bathroom stall. 

He really doesn’t remember how Astrid moved in, remembers even less about how she left. Five years later and he still found himself thinking about that first night, that first high. There was nothing like it and he envied his naive self for getting the chance to experience it. 

He stared at the Fentanyl. Deep down, he knew it was stupid, knew it was dangerous. But it was said to have the best and quickest high out there and at the moment, he couldn’t think of anything he wouldn’t do to be in the sky.  
—  
The lock on the bathroom door had hardly clicked shut before Hiccup reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bag of powder. He glanced over his shoulder, as if God himself might be peaking in on the scene before placing a line on the toilet paper dispenser. 

When he exited and took a seat, his shoulders sagged in a distinctly relaxed fashion. He wanted to place his sunglasses back over his glazed eyes, but knew that would be too obvious at an NA meeting. 

“God, grant me the serenity…”

He listened to the opening prayer that he had never heard of before. Truthfully, he didn’t know Narcotics Anonymous was a thing, not until his overdose a few weeks ago that forced him to come here. 

Court ordered rehab was what had been told, but his father made empty threats all the time and besides, it took months to go through the judicial system for something like that, especially since he had no arrests on record. 

So in an attempt to appease his dad’s nagging, he agreed to attend NA meetings three times a week. This was his first one and there was no way he was going into it sober, especially not after the greeting at the front door. 

“Today we have a clean date to celebrate,” the leader of the group stood, smiling gently at the chairs piled into the room. It wasn’t like anything Hiccup had ever seen on TV. The chairs weren’t in a circle, instead there was a main table in the front and rows of chairs stacked into the tiny room. They were almost all filled. 

“I’d like to introduce someone who’s like a daughter to me. I’ve been her sponsor since she first tried to get clean four years ago and now here we stand, one year down. Please welcome Astrid!” The woman clapped excitedly at the same moment Hiccup fumbled for his sunglasses and bag. 

No way, there was no way he was letting Astrid see him right now. Not after their history. He bent forward, ready to stand up but froze in place as Astrid stood from beside the speaker. She had been sitting there the whole time and he hadn’t even recognized her. 

He needed a drink, or a stronger pill. His roommate had offered him heroine before and maybe tonight was the night he took him up on it. 

For now though, he sat back and tried to blend in with the nearby wall. 

Astrid wasn’t the same, in fact he was sure he must have misheard the name because besides the blonde there wasn’t much in common at all. 

This woman was put together, with brushed hair and trusting eyes, a smile so genuine it nearly made him want to join in. Her speech was so articulate and even though he knew she was sober he kept waiting for the slurred words to pool out. This wasn’t the broken mess of a girl he had so dearly loved back then. 

Hiccup would have snuck out when everyone stood to join hands at the end, but his high was at the peak and any movement would completely ruin it. He opted to stay seated and pile out while the rest of the crew handed out the sobriety chips. 

When he stood he thought he might have stumbled, but he wasn’t sure and honestly didn’t care. He just wanted to get to the door before—

“Hiccup.” 

He froze, knowing from the hour long speech he had just sat through who it was, but not believing because when he wasn’t facing her, he could convince himself it was another person. 

“I saw you sitting there and I was just surprised. I wanted to say hello and see how you’re doing.”

He turned then, dragging his glasses off as he did so. Her eyes widened and shoulders stiffened. 

“I’m doing great, Astrid! Just attending my daily NA meeting, you know how it goes. Recovery is life and all I can talk about is how blessed I am to be sober once more! Even though, wait, isn’t there a reason I started using drugs in the first place?” He tapped his chin, eyes looking toward the ceiling. “Can you remember? I think you were there.”

Astrid rolled her eyes. “You’re high.”

“Actually I’m 366 days sober, so ha! Beat that!”

She sighed before disappearing. She came back with a piece of paper and a pen. She leaned against the wall, pen cap in her mouth and scribbled what looked like a phone number down and shoved it in his pants pocket. 

“If you ever want to get serious, call that number. This is a great group, by the way. My sponsor runs the noon one every Saturday.” She turned away. “I hope to see you again, Hiccup.”

—

Sobriety was the worst. 

Day two in detox had set off the chills. The vomiting had started 12 hours earlier and he was so thirsty he thought he might be hospitalized. Oh wait.

When the court order hit, he had run away. He was gone for about three days on the bender of a lifetime when the police picked him up. They booked him and the minute his high wore off he found himself naked in solitary, with the transportation to the nearby detox center already scheduled. 

He was jonesing. Anything would do right now, even a 200 mg ibuprofen. Not here though, not when pill popping was listed as one of his favorite hobbies. 

“It’ll work it's way through your system naturally, honey. You just gotta wait until then.” The nurse wouldn’t tell him how long it would take, or give him a release date. 

In the end, it took him 11 days to be deemed stable. Eleven of the worst days of his life where he couldn’t even leave his bed. The night before he was supposed to discharge a packet of paper was thrown onto his bed. 

“Berk Center. Good rehab, all male. You leave at 8 am.”

He knew it was coming, so why he screamed at the nurse that told him the news he couldn’t exactly say, but when she left his throat felt scraped and raw. 

His dad visited that night, wanting to see him one last time before he left. 

“Things will be different there. You’ll have to earn the privilege to call me and then see me. But you’ll get there.” His tone was strong but his eyes were sad. Hiccup didn’t say a word the entire time. 

—

There weren’t many things out there worse than rehab. Jail, yes. Detox, for sure. But other than that rehab topped the list. 

It was nearly impossible to get medicine for a headache, every therapy session turned into a dick measuring contest and he was tired of being woken up in the middle of the night to pee in a cup. 

So when his roommate told him he could get some pills if he could provide the money, of course he said yes. The problem was, they weren’t allowed to have money on them. Any credit cards, cash or checks were stored away for this exact reason. 

That didn’t stop Hiccup. He was a smart man and he knew a lot of people. So when he was finally allowed to attend an outside AA meeting, he took full advantage. He told the transporter he was going to the bathroom, and when they turned to deal with another person, he ran outside and around the corner. 

There, was his old apartment. He knocked frantically on the door until a bleary eyed man opened it. 

“Do you remember the time I Narcanned you?” Introductions were not necessary, time was of the essence and he was cashing in a favor. 

The man rolled his eyes. “How much do you need?”

He was back at the building in five minutes, standing outside the door catching his breath before entering. 

—

It took three days for the pills to arrive, twenty minutes for the high to hit and one day for his panel test to show a positive. 

“That’s gotta be false,” he answered smoothly. When you were high as often as Hiccup had been in the past 6 years, lying just came naturally. 

The man shrugged, bending down to search a shelf. “We’ll send it to the lab and they can make a decision on that.”

“Why do you need to do that? Can’t we just try again tomorrow?”

Tuffnut glanced up at him. “How stupid do I look?”

“Not stupid! I’m just saying that pee has been sitting there for a while out in the air and I don’t want that to be the reason I get a false positive.”

But Tuffnut was already sealing the bag and opening the bathroom door. “You already had a positive, so I don’t think the air is going to do any extra damage.”

Hiccup blocked the exit with his arm. “Wait wait wait, Tuff! We’re buds aren’t we?”

“Yeah, buds as in when third shift bails and I have to pull a double you can stay up and keep me company. Not buds as in I’ll risk my job and let you ruin your life.” He grabbed Hiccup’s wrist firmly. “So put your arm down and let me deliver this urine upfront.”

—

Hiccup sat in the chair outside his counselor’s office, leg jiggling so quickly it was practically a blur. He was called out of the group in the middle of their Al Anon meeting. It had been three days since his urine was sent off. He knew what this meant. 

Would he be kicked out? Asked to stay longer than the normal six months? Sent to jail? Honestly he didn’t know, but the worst part was how much he cared. 

Honestly after all the build up in his head, the punishment was underwhelming. He lost his phone calling privileges and was demoted back to a Phase 1 for a month. Random drug tests and send outs would increase. He was sent back to his room feeling relieved and happy. 

He wasn’t ready to leave. 

—  
Seven months and 12 days after he had first stepped foot into this hellhole, Hiccup was practically running out of the door. 

He had never thought he would be proud to be discharged from rehab, probably because most people don’t look into their future and see themselves as extremely low functioning drug addicts. 

But here he stood, antidepressants in hand and heading to his halfway house. He was able to score a room with his first roommate who, after giving him the pills admitted to using and was sent back to jail for a few days. Eret had been there on drug based charges so his circumstances were a little less lenient. It wasn’t the first time Hiccup vowed to never end up back in jail. 

Snotlout had come to pick him up and help him unpack. They hadn’t talked a lot while he was using, but since he had been (mostly) clean they had reconnected stronger than ever. 

“I was thinking we could hit up a meeting. There’s an NA at 2 and an AA at 6. Whichever you prefer.” 

“Snot, you don’t have to go to meetings with me.”

“I want to. I know you don’t know a bunch of people yet and I know how important they are to recovery and in Al-Anon they talk about them all the time so I should go and see what they’re about.”

Hiccup paused in fluffing his pillows. “You’ve been attending al-anon?”

“Me and your parents. It’s really taught us a lot. We’ve learned a lot about your thought process while you were using—”

“Bold of you to assume I was thinking.”

Snotlout rolled his eyes. “That’s the point, isn’t it? You did all this hurtful shit because you were high and now you aren’t and we’re trying to deal with it.”

Hiccup nodded and turned away. His counselor had recommended family sessions to discuss all the wrongs he had done. The lying, stealing and manipulation for starters, but Hiccup had refused. He didn’t want to think about any of that. 

His sponsor had told him it was a mistake. Gobber had let him know that staying clean would be easier if he aired out all his dirty laundry. 

He didn’t. 

—

It was a bad day. 

His mom didn’t believe he was staying clean, accused him of lying and yelled at him for something he had done, which sounded horrific but he couldn’t remember at all. She was sobbing when he hung up. He walked to work in the rain. 

He had been lucky to score the job at the mechanic’s yard, even luckier that it was right down the street from his house. The problem was, he didn’t realize walking there would lead him to encounter so many of his old buddies. 

They were high, even though they pretended not to be. He wondered if he looked as stupid as they did when he acted sober. He didn’t hold out any hope for that. 

The cold, hard truth that Hiccup hadn’t learned until that moment, was that addicts hate to see other people doing well. 

A free bag of powder. It was tiny, but he had been sober for six months so it wouldn’t take much. He reached for it, but hesitated. He was going to a meeting after work to get his six month chip, but this would blow it. 

But he had already messed up so many things, so what did it matter if he had one slip up? He snatched the bag, dipped a finger into the powder and snorted it right there, on the street. He dipped two more times before continuing forward. 

It wasn’t what he thought it was. 

It was hard to identify something when it was crushed up, but he assumed it was low grade Xanax. Now, as he stumbled to the closest alley to sleep off the rest of his high, he was almost positive it was dilaudid. 

It was too strong and it had been too long since he’d done this. It was a stupid decision but his body felt as if it was on a cloud, floating calmly and freely above all the bull shit. 

—  
He woke up to the beeping and bright lights that only a hospital was capable of. 

“Oh no.”

He looked around and saw Astrid, hair thrown in a ponytail and sweatpants on. 

“Oh yes, I’m guessing you’ve been here before?”

“I didn’t take enough to overdose.”

“No, just enough to trip over a lady’s stroller and fall unconscious to the pavement.”

Hiccup thought for a moment. “Yes, that’s about how much.”

Astrid unfolded her legs from under her thighs. “I heard you were doing well.”

“Why are you keeping tabs on me?”

“Because I owe you that.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” His tone was sharp but he felt no guilt when she flinched back. 

“I was a mess back then. I dragged you into it.”

“If you’re talking about you being the source of my addiction, then yeah maybe you do actually owe me something. Can you turn back time? Or maybe tell me about the life I could have had?”

“Gobber sent me,” Astrid said, ignoring his taunting words. “He said it’s harder to stay sober when—”

“You don’t air out your dirty laundry, I get it. So what, do I owe you something? Whatever fucked up shit I did to you back then I promise I don’t remember.”

She shook her head. “No, Hiccup I owe you. It’s my fault you’re here right now and I’ve been avoiding that.” She raised her eyes to his, crystal against emerald. “Staying clean is important to me and he’s right. This has been haunting me and it’s one of the reasons I kept relapsing in the beginning.”

Hiccup wrinkled his brow. “Kept?”

“Yeah, seven times within the first four years.”

“Seven times?” Hiccup had to remind himself to close his jaw. 

“It’s not easy. Whenever I would focus on staying away from pills then the alcohol would hook me and vice versa but… something just clicked last time and I haven’t picked up. And I don’t want to. So I need to confront what went down between you and I.”

“Astrid, those days aren’t even blurry. They’re completely black. I don’t remember a thing.”

“Yes, you do. And so do I. Some days were good and some were pretty fucked up. I think we could go through this together.”

“I can stay clean myself.” Underneath the scratchy hospital blankets, his fist tightened involuntarily. 

Astrid straightened her back, as if she had just been issued a challenge. 

“You were just in rehab, right?”

“A few months ago,” he corrected. 

“Then you know that staying sober is like raising a baby. It takes a village.”

“And I don’t want you to have a home in my mind.”

Astrid sat awkwardly for a moment before standing. 

“I’m sorry for everything that happened because of me. I was fucked up and I saw you and I dragged you into it. When you’re ready to talk, you know where to find me.”

She was gone so quickly that his bed sheets fluttered as she passed by. He really didn’t have time to process everything she said, but the words were genuine. 

He just wasn’t ready.

—

“I may have been out of the game for a few months, but I know you’re price gouging me.”

The man shrugged. “Consider this inflation for losing me my best customer.”

Hiccup leaned against the rough alley wall. “Rehab wasn’t my idea. No one wants to get sober.”

“If that’s true then why’d you try to stay away?”

He hesitated. “I had to give it an honest shot.” Hiccup handed over a wad of bills. The man counted while shrugging. 

“Two months out of rehab and you’ve already been hospitalized? Doesn’t sound like you really tried.”

—

Detox round two was no easier than the first time. In some ways it was worse because he knew exactly what to expect. It had nearly been a year since he was first here but sitting in the common area under the fluorescent lights watching Jerry Springer, but he could have sworn no time had passed at all. 

After a wave of nausea passed, he stood and headed to the worker behind the desk. 

“It’s phone time, can I make a call?”

“Sponsor?”

“Someone in the recovery community.” Inside his pocket he fingered a worn piece of paper with a number written on it. When he was granted access to the phone room, he walked to the furthest cord phone and took a shaky breath before dialing. 

It rang once, twice, three times before the person on the other end answered. 

“Hello?”

“Astrid?” His hands were clenched tightly around the phone. 

“Hiccup? Are you okay? Where are you calling from?”

“I’m uh, in detox right now.” His eyes screwed shut at her sharp inhale. 

“How’d you get this number? It’s not the same as way back then.”

“You gave it to me at that NA meeting about... two years ago now? Wow, I can’t believe how long my life has been a shit show.”

Astrid laughed and he could picture her shaking her head, fingers wrapped around the tail of her braid, cigarette in her other hand. 

“Time flies when you’re fucking up your own life.”

The words were harsh but the tone was understanding. She knew. She understood. All the counselors he had, all the therapy he had attended and he could never connect with them. They weren’t addicts, just people eager to get into his head and find out why he turned out the way he did. 

“So, what made you pull that out?” He had been quiet too long, lost in the comfort of a voice that was less sympathetic and more knowing. 

“Oh, right. Uh.” He hadn’t planned out what he wanted to say, only knew that he wanted it this time. 

Sobriety. 

It started with Astrid. 

“I wanna get clean. I don’t know what that consists of anymore because the first time I fucked up so bad but while I’ve been here I just couldn’t stop thinking about what you told me in the hospital that day.”

A pause. “You’re ready to talk?”

“Yes.”

“When will you be out?”

His fingers wrapped around the cord as he counted the days. “I’ve been here for a week. I can’t imagine it’ll be another week, but maybe.”

“Are you going to a program afterwards?”

“No. I wanted to, but everything is full so I’m on a wait list.”

“Did they tell you how long it would be?”

Hiccup laughed. “You act like you’ve never been to rehab.”

Her voice brightened at the jab. “Right, they never tell. It could be anywhere from two days to two months. Okay then, do you have a plan?”

“Plan?” 

“Yeah, you know, how you’ll stay sober in those early days before you get in to your program.”

“Astrid, I don’t even have a steady place to live.” 

His old apartment still homed his drug addicted roommate and in his fragile mental state he’s not even sure he’d be able to go and collect his things without picking up his pipe that is surely still on his nightstand. 

“Parents.”

“You’re joking.”

“Why? Your parents are understanding, always have been and they’re supportive of your recovery.”

“I think I’ve strained that relationship enough.”

“Okay then, what about Snotlout?”

“I already owe him my life, I can’t ask for anymore favors.”

“Hiccup, part of being sober is reaching out to people when you need something. You can’t stay sober without a safe place to live.”

He knew he was right, so after a few more minutes of talking and an agreement for her to come visit the following day, he called his dad and then Snotlout. Between the two of them they would work out a place for him to stay, his dad had said. He tried not to get wrapped up in his dad’s tone and words. 

It was all too hopeful, and he was too good at letting him down.


End file.
